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Whoever put "Too Cool to Do Drugs" on a pencil is retarded. Every time you sharpen it: "Cool to Do Drugs" "Do Drugs" and "Drugs" 
If I forget my iPhone when going to the bathroom, I don't care if its the directions on toothpaste, I'm reading it.
I wish I had Kim Kardashian's talent of not having any talent and making money out of it.
The woman who invented the phrase "All guys are the same" was a chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd in China.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Whenever you think your job sucks, remember; At least you're not the guy, at Instagram, that has to search for and delete all the d!ck pics.
When I was younger, I grew up in a theme park! The theme of the park was trailer.
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
Maybe if women would quit playing games they'd worry less about competition.
"It's not a contest." - losers
The fact that women don't sell ad space (transparent stickers) on their cleavage is baffling to me.
Drank a Rockstar and now I'm patiently waiting to break furniture in a hotel room.
UPS delivery guys don't like it when you go up to their truck and order two tacos to go.
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
In awkward situations, we all pretend to text.
❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ Eating
First time on a roller coaster. Final Destination.
i pirate so many songs & movies that I should download a boat
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this "I know you're high" look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
Please don't hesitate if you want to contact me so I can ignore you. 