Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
It's not good music unless your parents AND your kids hate it 
How to kill a Spider: Get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
If I text you all like.. "heyy :)" and you reply with "hi", I'm done taking to you..
Over time you start noticing that some people just aren't worth it anymore.
My past is my past, it made me who I am, I have no regrets, wouldn't change a thing. I just don't live there anymore.
The new iPhone 5 will totally revolutionize the way I send all of your calls straight to voicemail.
Opposites attract, that's the trouble with being awesome
Dear kids TV networks: if you want more kids to watch, just show the inside of a pantry or fridge…
i think my teachers were lies ....they said "A for Apple".....the iphone just keeps repeating itself
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
"My Uncle Jennifer is going to be on Jerry Springer tomorrow!"
"WARNING"..This Status may be copied for quality and training purposes
I spent $100 at the grocery store and there still isn't anything to eat in my house
At least broken people are interesting. You can't fix boring...
The more broken you are, the stronger you'll be once you're fixed.
had to take my cat to the vet. She's not feline well…
My ex sent me a picture to remind of what I'm giving up. I sent her a picture of my new girl so she knows I don't give a crap...
The iPhone 5 better be waterproof, fireproof, crack proof, dirt proof, bulletproof, and be able to charge itself and cook for me.
Noah from (Notebook) sent 365 letters to Ally. That's one letter a day for a year and you can't even send me ONE TEXT MESSAGE. B*tch swerve.
I can't take a 5 hour energy. It'd either eff up my nap or my bedtime… 