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Ladies, You know that thing you do, where you try to make us guess what you're feeling? How's that working out for you? 
I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.
I hate it when I invite people and they actually show up.
My coffee is so black and strong it just punched me in the face and stole my wallet.
Happy couples are annoying and disgusting, I hope me and my girlfriend never get happy.
It's no coincidence that you have never seen a hunger strike for the legalization of marijuana.
Please don't do your soul searching at the bar, some of us are trying to enjoy our whisky here.
I just want a woman who can lick the crumbs from the bottom of a Pringles tube.
If I can buy magnum condoms with a straight face, I can beat any polygraph test.
Sorry if I hit a nerve, I was aiming for your jugular.
Obviously there's a hole in this wine glass.
I should at some point in my life learn to cook for one..I only know how to cook for ten or more..spaghetti anyone?
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the heck down.
I've decided I'm not going to have kids. I love babies, but I'm just not ready for the commitment of uploading that many photos to Facebook.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 2 minutes.
I found Samuel L. Jackson's swear jar and I don't think he's being completely honest with himself.
It's very important that EVERYONE gets a flu shot this year so I don't have to.
.... Tonight I went to a gunfight and the BET Awards broke out......
gun fired at the BET awards...dont they listen to rap music & realize the rappers have guns....try a metal detector at next year's award show
BET AWARDS MAYHEM - this happens every time these people get together. No, I don't mean b lack people, I mean silly rap ''artists''. 