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How was I supposed to know she was ugly? She had boobs. 
Fun fact: the male eye has an ability to slow actual time when a titty pops out within it's sight. It's science.
Why do American's make lousy dog walkers ? ..... They can't hold on to a Lead !
When your ex says "you'll never find someone like me" say "that's the point"
When you're happy, you enjoy the music. But when you're sad, you understand the lyrics
i dont drink. I dont do drugs. I dont even drink coffee. I do pills so its way different.
Relationships are like drugs. They either kill you or give you the best feeling of your life.
Tried submitting the 49ers vs Jets game to pornhub, but they don't allow r@pe
went on a 9th date with a girl, we watched Batman. so far its been dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMANN!
no clue what to do without some glue to sniff
I'm sorry, call me old fashioned, but I think shorts should be longer than your v@gina.
1+1=3 if you don't use a condom.
bad sex is better than a good day at work!
I'd marry a woman based on her ability to make gravy...
Lindsay Lohan was attacked in NYC, but is still alive... Epic. Fail.
I met a Spanish man with a Rubber toe......his name was Roberto
If you love something,, let it go..... That's EXACTLY what I've done with my body....
Today on Egypt news TV: Morgan Freeman reported as dead....... DNA discovers the missing link to Lazareth
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
Sad news. Morgan Freeman passed away again today. ..This is twice in two months 