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I hate self-serving, self-absorbed people who talk constantly about their own troubles but never ask about yours. 
Has anyone seen my shake weight?
My wife's safe word: "Not-tonight-honey"
Everytime a girl tells me she doesn't feel good I squeeze her boob and call her a liar.
If you don't feel the love on Facebook then you're stalking the wrong people.
Whenever I hear women whine about wanting men who cuddle, listen, call them sweet names, and help clean around the house, I think there's a name for that. Lesbians.
Keep her wet between her thighs, To keep her dry beneath her eyes
Oops…last night this questionable girl asked me to go down on her but her offer seemed a little fishy…
Holding a baby is a great excuse to just openly pass gas without anyone knowing.
They say 1in every 3 people cheat in a relationship. I'm not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
'Sri Lanka Vs West Indies' cricket match tomorrow. Kindly adjust contrast and brightness on your Television sets before watching
Your words are intoxicating. Pour them into my mind.
I'm a tiger in bed. I will rip your leg off if you wake me up.
I don't miss anyone from the past... not even me.
Leave the thing you're supposed to do today for tomorrow cause maybe you'll die and then you won't have to do that thing.
As a woman, I always take good care of my eyes coz they are the only balls I have.
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
Beer tastes so delicious when you hate everyone!
I had to take back my OJ Simpson Halloween costume because the glove didn't fit.
Kids these days are spoiled. Ipads, smart phones, video games, etc. But they'll never know the joy of putting an Ozzy Osborne cassette tape in a Teddy Ruxpin 