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Facebook needs a button that's the equivalent of kicking someone under the table to stop them from making a fool of themselves. 
I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Savile. When I was 8, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.
The last time I saw a vag!na was apparently, the last time.
in California a maltese dog cost around $1000, You can buy the same dog in Vietnam for 5 dollars and it includes a side of fries and a drink.
If you start caring about yourself than people will also start caring about you.
Oh man, I almost forgot about The Alamo.
I try to look on the bright side of everything, except for the sun, because it burns my retinas
If Kal-El, son of Jor-El had landed in Jamaica instead of in Kansas, he would be known as 'Supermon'.
Two days ago Lance Armstrong had 7 more Tour De Frances than me. This has been quite a comeback from me.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they're not looking!
My ideal job is probably just singing the "Not this time" part in that En Vogue song "My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It)".
I didn't hear the sea when I held a Shell up. I did however get 6 years in jail for armed robbery on a Gas Station
I wish "you dumbass" was an appropriate way to end a work email
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they're not looking
I like to go to Best Buy and drink a cup of coffee in front of the Geek Squad guys then hand them my empty cup and tell them I successfully installed Java....they hate me
Can I add you on Facebook ? Cos I would like to Poke you
brought to you today...by the neighbor's router
Dreamt I went to the gym so, I'm counting that as a workout.
People with a sense of humor are so much easier to talk to and get along with.
If you never whined and begged your mom for a quarter to put in the trinket machine in the front of the grocery store and then ended up chasing a bouncy ball down isle 9 and knocking over a pyramid of potted meat then your childhood probably sucked. 