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Beware: Things get pretty messy when you let a Snickers REALLY satisfy you... 
For some reason, they dont seem to be marketing the Tickle Me Elmo as heavily this Christmas.
Every scary movie, for the rest of our lives, needs a scene explaining why no one has their cell phone.
The only reason I know how many beers I drank last night, is because it was all of them.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
Some days I think Forrest had the right idea when he dropped everything and just kept running.
I like the sound of "PSY beats Justin Bieber...in Youtube views" If only he actually physically did it.
If have slept with more than ten people this year then you have no ryt to call your reproductive organ a private part. It is now a Universal Charger !!
Iran claims they captured a US drone which our government is denying. I think what the Iranians really have is my Turbo 2000 styrofoam glider plane I lost back in '96.......I threw that thing pretty hard.
My girlfriend asked me "Team Edward? Or Team Jacob?" I yelled "Team Deathmatch!" And knifed her...
My life has been brought to you by.............. "It seemed like a REALLY good idea at the time (Insert: "Officer", "Your Honor", or "Doc" here)."
I DON'T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Vincenza...the name I've given this meatball sub.)
We naming the printer in our office BOB MARLEY because its always JAMMIN'
In Dec, cops should take off the blue lights and make them green. It's more festive... Like getting pulled over by Santa.
with the upcoming end of the world quickly approaching, in lieu of Christmas cards this year, I have sent out checks out to all my friends in the amount of $1,000,000 post dated 12/22/2012. Good luck finding a bank that isn't under water everyone!
Choosing someone based on their looks, is like picking a Christmas gift based on the wrapping paper.
The world is ending in 16 days and I still don't know what I'm going to wear
You are not living right if you have never been slapped with at least one restraining order in your life!
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
I sleep on a mattress on the floor next to a cooler of beer that doubles as my nightstand so don't tell me about being "single." 