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That moment when you spend 20 minutes making all the christmas lights work, then putting them nicely along the ceiling, then stand back to look at the beautiful setup up.. Plug them in... And BAM, they don't work....\ 
Hey know what's more fun than a baby who has just learned to take off his own diaper?.......... everything...........everything is more fun than that
Just paid 2 dollars in quarters to put air in my tire... This inflation is out of control.
Thanks iPhone autocorrect, I'm sure my dad wanted to know that I miss going on our weekend fisting trips. Fml
Never take for granite what you have. No matter how naughty they are, appreciate they are healthy and alive. Pray for those touched by this tragedy. I can't even imagine.
God got kicked out of our schools and the devil walked right on in......
The school shooting happened at Sandy Hook Elementary? Sandy is officially the worst name of 2012.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it's annoying when I'm trying to drive.
Maybe if you had a perfect attendance record in school as you do in the club your life would be better off.
There is no more horrible death than the one of a poor tree that ends up being a Twilight book.
Great first it was the Movie theater early this yr, then the Mall random shootings, no its kids at the elementary level...... Can we put praying back in school now?
Kristin Stewart doesn't look bored to me. She looks just like all the girls I have sex with.
You lost me at eye contact.
When you bang a fat girl you have to hold her belly up like a broken garage door
I was being all sexy n shi t but you blinked and you missed it
My nipples don't understand that I am going to a decent place.
The designated driver's most important job is making sure no one gets any tattoos!
Farts are like secrets to me because I never keep them to myself.
There aren't choking warning labels on condoms but they have them on water balloons?
Any argument where she says I can do whatever I want always ends with me not doing whatever I want to do. 