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YOLO - You Obviously Lack Originality 
Dont worry people, you can still wear your LiveStrong braclets. Just cross out the V.
I see where the TSA is removing all the X-Ray scanners from airports. And jsut as soon as they remove the TSA, I'll start flying again!
likes to start every first date by saying "If this goes well, we might have a baby in 9 months".
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you are an artist...
I just spent 5 minutes on a dating website and now I need a shower...
I always treat restaurant staff with the utmost respect because they are people trying to make a living like the rest of us. Also, because I prefer my soup without spit or urine in it.
what's all the fuss about a fake girlfriend? Every girl I know is fake...
I've stocked up on extra batteries for valentines day.
Lance Armstrong cheated this whole time? Well I still think it's cool he was the first man to ride a bike on the moon!
Lance Armstrong cheated this whole time? Yeah right...next thing you're going to tell me is that Subway's footlong sandwiches are only 11 inches long...silly people...
If I don't get at least one friend deletion on facebook every day, I feel as if I didn't do my job.
If you love somebody... Let them go. If they come back, no one wanted them
Girl I would strap 45 lb plates to my ball sack and swim up the Amazon river with Rosie O'Donnell's queef as my air supply to prove my value to you.
its Friday so you know what that means. I'm busy memorizing my spontaneous, sassy banter I'll use at the bar tonight!!
My wife keeps tapping on the window saying..."look, it's snowing"....if she keeps it up, I suppose am gonna have to let her in.....!!
I have a confession to make! Back in 1985 I... Wait a minute, get me Oprah!
I was told to not make decisions when I'm angry or horny. apparently, I'm never supposed to make a decision.
I once dated a girl with a parot, the thing was crazy and never shut up, the parot was cool though....
A woman got wooden breast implants yesterday. It would be funny if this joke had a punch line, wooden tit? 