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Just saw my friend in a g ay p orn o... His secret has never been safer. 
I'm hungry, but I'm not 'cook something' hungry.
It's a good week to get an Oscar but not a good week to be an Oscar.
Want to be a rebel? THINK.
Some people need to write a book, rather then tell Facebook.
How long before the Karoke version of Lady Antebellum's "Need you now" hits bars and taverns. I can just imagine drunks trying to sing it now, "It's a quart... quarter after, uh one, I'm a... I'm a little drunk, and... and I need... you now."
I have counted 16 stains on my bed sheets and not one of them is sex related. My life sucks.
From the first time I met you I knew that I have to run away from you for the rest of my life
Because I'm stressed I've started sniffing glue. It's the only thing holding me together
Don't forget Comic Relief this year. Just £5 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his f**king girlfriend
IKEA has the BEST horse d'oeuvres.
Facebook, cos nothing reassures yourself more than seeing how the other half live
To stay competitive with Burger King and Ikea, Subway announces the new $5 Furlong...
I bought a dishwasher from a guy in Croydon off e-Bay, now I have a 14 yr old girl with a speech impediment, eating all of my mustard.
Off to IKEA to shop, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse...
To my wonderful niece; when you tell people I am the "funny uncle" could you please make sure you mention that you mean "ha ha" funny and not "(⊙_⊙)" funny...people are starting to give me the stink eye. :-/
Manti Teo and the 40 yard dash in 4.8 2 seconds he said he would have ran it faster if he wasn't carrying his girlfriend
Ironic that the Oscar for worst boyfriend ever went to a guy named Oscar...
Oscars - some award show for boring movies I will probably never watch even if they paid me.
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping...... On a side note; Police report that there has been no progress made in an attempt to identify the "naked man" seen streaking out of the mall's wishing fountain. 