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Make sure you love each other for your pleasant personalities coz when the looks are gone its what you will have to live with for the rest of your lives. 
"Dad, how did you fall in love with mom?" "Well, son, long story short I saw her picture on Instagram and it was love at first...filter."
Lampposts and hydrants are basically Facebook for dogs.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Facebook needs a 'Wow that's the dumbest f*cking thing I've ever heard, you should be punched in the throat' button.
I managed to use the chainsaw all afternoon without killing myself. I haven't seen my wife this disappointed since our wedding night.
It's totally ok to create a Facebook account for your pet, provided you have severe mental retardation.
Give me enough booze and I can be anybody's spirit animal.
Sometimes when I post stuff h ere it doesn't post. I figure the A dministrator just gave it to B EGO to post
You wouldn't be able to glorify peace if it wasn't for war!
Sippin' Grillin' Chillin'... MERICA
I look forward to the day when we glorify peace rather than war.
Doesn't take a hero to order men into battle. It takes a hero to be one of those men who goes into battle -- N. Schwarzkopf
Well this whole grown up thing has been fun but I have to go now...
I wish a girl with fake eyebrows would argue with me, I would lick my Thumb so Fast!
Guys in relationships would probably be happier if their girls would try blowing them more instead of everything out of proportion.
M uslims killing M uslims is a NO NO in I slam. But killing anybody else who is not a M uslim is perfectly fine.
Humble Pie is my least favourite kind of Pie.
Theres always is that one plastic cup or Tupperware dish that flips upside in the dishwasher...
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it's $50 to let go" 