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People with boring Facebook profiles need to stop making the situation worse and awkward by further creating Facebook Pages which they constantly beg us to like. 
Hey Guys, never chase women. Chase your dreams and women will follow.
I want my kids to be as lazy as me but I'm unwilling to put in the work.
Joe Biden walks nervously into the grocery store by himself for the first time. He asks the clerk, "where are the snowman noses?"
The best way to a woman's heart is by saying three words ''- You lost weight...!!!!
Teacher asks Billy; “If you have five candies and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?” Billy; “Five”
Twinkies are like Val Kilmer, bloated, saturated in fat, and no one’s had them in their mouth since the 80's.
My girlfriend says that a small pěis won’t affect our relationship. Whether she’s right or not, I’d prefer it if she didn’t have one at all!
What would happen if you hired two private investigators to follow each other?
I just threw my clothes away and bought my garbage to the laundry mat
Penny for your thoughts...five bucks if they're dirty..
You buy her a gift. She sleeps with you. The similarity here is that the s-e-x is also a gift since both things center on something coming in a box.
Children are often spoiled because no one will spank Grandma.
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.
Cool...I just won an award for laziness,.. I sent a buddy to pick it up for me...
Nicki Minaj sits in front of a mirror, slowly removing her makeup to reveal Ja Rule. A single tear rolls down his cheek.
First Lil’ Wayne has a major seizure and now Chris Brown? Someone is out to kill horrible musicians. It's quite elementary my dear Watson.
To be honest with you I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
Fellas; If your fiancé designs her own engagement ring, prepare for a life of sex on your birthday and holidays only.
Making home made Pop Tarts. I almost have it down, but getting the filling down to a thickness of 1/1,000,000 of an inch is becoming quite a challenge. 