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The fastest way to get my son out the door on a school morning is to ask him if he wants a hug... 
Similarities create relationships, but its the differences that hold them together.
The secret to enjoying a good beer. Open the bottle and allow it to breathe. If it isn't breathing give it mouth to mouth.
The more you just sit there and look at your problem the more it grows.
The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.
Sometimes, when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.
If the cops don't know about your man beating you, I shouldn't either.
Sorry hitchhiker dude. You have a better chance getting a ride from a deer.
How much for the horse tornado?..... Sir, That's a carousel..... Hmmm, I must have it.
Eating Taco Bell for the 5th night in a row... BTW, your colon grows back right?
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there's tons of those things. Relax, there will always be worms.
I think my neighbors just cut down all their trees, just so they could get a better glimpse of me spying on them.
I don't hold grudges but my ignore game is beast mode
Clean bill of sexual health. C'mon ladies, I'm marginally better than loneliness!
When Obamacare kicks in, I gets free healthcare, Right? Axing for a friend...
If you've got a big butt, show it off. If you've got a big chest, show it off. If you have a big belly, keep that covered up.
I love how people b*tch on h3re about stealing a stat from a webs!te or a person. Like, WTF are you doing on T Js anyway? I'm pretty sure your h3re to steal a stat.
I like my job. You might say I'm a gruntled employee.
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It's people I don't trust.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it. 