lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   ..thinks having bags under your eyes is no big deal. It's finding the shoes to match is the real problem!

   My baby just did something so smart that I'm thinking of ordering a maternity test

   Daylight savings time. Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

   Hamsters are really stupid, but, I'm the girl spending money to keep one housed and fed, so, there you go.

   Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.

   If I had a nickel for every time I've misplaced my keys, there'd be a jarful of money I would also have to look for.

   Well, I see no one turned up for the first day of ninja school... Or did they?

   If God meant me to be naked, he would have made my skin fit better.

   The only one in my family to have a personal trainer is my dog.

   I'm no psychologist, but I'm pretty sure the only way to alleviate the guilt of eating a peanut butter cup is by eating 15 more.

   A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking. A wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.

   Recently, my Visa card was stolen. Now, it's 'everywhere I want to be'.

   When people say they've "tied the knot",they mean they got married. Or tied a knot around their neck. Which is the same thing anyways.

   I dream of giving birth to a child who will ask "Mother,what was war?" -Eva Merriam.

   it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on facebook people that you do know, but deliberately choose not to be friends with?

   St. Patricks Day. The only time of the year when people are proud of having a bit of Irish in them.

   We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

   If Polygram records,Warner Bros,and Keebler merged would the company be called Poly-Warner-Cracker?

   They say that three out of four Americans have a mental illness of some kind. Look at three of your friends. If they seem okay,then you're that person.

   You never really learn how to swear until you begin to drive.