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I think my pet bird just called me a murderer. 
Ben Roethlisberger was just on an NFL commercial saying what he was thankful for. He forgot to mention not being charged or found guilty of sexual assault. twice.
Today is thanksgiving day tomorrow is toilet blow out day!!!
Its almost that time kids...Does everyone have their plungers ready?
This whole pumpkin pie is not only delicious..... It also contains nearly 50% of my Thanksgiving Day requirement of pumpkin pie..
Can I tell you something about apricots? ... 1 in 30 is a good one. It's such a low percentage fruit.
I don't like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with.
Call her Princess. B*tches love being addressed as royalty.
Whoever said the way to a man's heart is through his stomach obviously never had a blow job.
it's my first american thanksgiving how many guns do I bring?
The first rule of Women's fight club is don't tell anyone what you're mad about or why you're fighting .
I would never argue with a female I'm not sleeping with.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they're just gonna spend it on more bells.
How many bottles of vodka are you supposed to put in this thanksgiving gravy?
No matter how hard life gets just remember there are always people out there who love you, if you pay them enough.
Relationship status: Taken but not stirred.
The neighbors dog is thankful I'm not drunk enough to discharge a firearm in the city limits. yet.
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
Day 28: I am thankful for the fact that I do not have to see your 28 days of thankful posts for another year
PRO TIP: For the Olympics,, If you plant a bunch of Doritos in the ground and water them every day with Red Bull, you can grow your very own Shaun White 