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Dear Santa: This year I would like a "Bailout and a Bonus."..."Yes, I know I have been really bad, spent my money frivolously ,even did some illegal things and therefore I think I deserve it."----The Government 
This has been one of those years That I should've stayed in bed
I had to go on a second diet. The one wasn't giving me enough food.
I deserve to be important to someone......... I've spent too much time showing the wrong people they are important to me.
The difference between sex for money and sex for free is that in the long run sex for free costs a lot more.
what idiot named it erectile dysfunction instead of ballzheimer's
Santa know's where all the bad girls live but only empties his sack once a year. WTF?
My tolerance for alcohol is way higher than my tolerance for people
why is it I can remember every word to ice ice baby but not what I went into the kitchen to get.
Sometimes people put up walls, not to close people out but because they’re in the construction business and that’s kinda like their job.
Son, your mother and I need to talk to you. We went through your room earlier and found....NO drugs OR p orn?! What are you some kind of nerd
She wanted to eat at a Chinese restaurant. I didn't want to eat at a Chinese restaurant. So we compromised and ate at a Chinese restaurant.
You mean as much to me as error reports do to Microsoft.
NOTE: God only takes those He wants.... Justin Beiber and Miley Cyrus will be here FOREVER. For-ev-er.
Oh honey, you're not pretty enough to be that stupid
Time to start saying "Happy Holidays" to people so that there is no shortage of things to complain about on Facebook. It is the season of giving, and I'm a giver.
Ice storm? Vanilla Ice predicted back in 1990 that the ice would be back. If only we had stopped, collaborated, and listened.
I think I read somewhere that there will be no farting in heaven, but I bet it's still a really cool place ツ
Body builder/ figure competitor women do not have the body of a man. They have the face of one.
Dear God: If we can have Paul Walker back you can have Justin Beiber and Miley Cyrus. 