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every time a hipster says they can't eat gluten Zooey Dechanel gets an extra eyelash 
I never meant to pleasure myself in front of the cobras. The cobras were loving it.
Millions of men have fought and died just so you have the right to…go on a website and whine about your ever so slightly imperfect life
New rule: unless you punched a shark in the face to dislodge that tooth, you’re not allowed to wear it on a necklace.
Sorry I'm late,, the floor was lava
After all these years, I finally figured out the reason why The Professor never got the castaways off Gilligan's Island, while we all know that he very well could have. He was doing both Ginger AND Maryann.
All the Christian festivals revolve around chocolate & presents. Almost as if they're trying to lure kids in for some reason.
So the clown at my kid's birthday party has been pulling a CVS receipt out of his sleeve for the past 20 minutes..
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
You can pour coffee into the reservoir marked “water” on your coffee maker. You can do this as many times as you want!!! Science!!!
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel's program "Deadliest Catch" wasn't about first marriages.
My bologna had a first name, but his adoptive parents changed it. If you're reading this, Oscar, just know: not a day goes by I don't think of you.
I came in like a wrecking ball. Then I realized I had the wrong house. My bad.
An oversized kitten blessed me with a gigantic ballsack
Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!
And God promised men that good wives would be found in all corners of the world,,then He made the earth round and laughed and laughed
...... Today is 4-21 .... National Surprise Drug Test Day!
Jury duty? Want to get out of it? Remember those four little words..."The spud did it."
Mary had a little lamb last night. I had a big lamb. My fat ancestors are dead. 