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To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that 
This status is brought to you by the makers of Fug detergent. If Duz won't do it and Rinso won't rinse it, Fug it.
Hi. You haven't seen me much lately. I have a new boyfriend. The one from before who I caught with another girl. But I took him back. So there, h8ers!
I'm thinking about buying an exercise bike, my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won't accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
How psychiatrists can't be a serial killer when they describe them so well?!
A blind man walked into a bar. And into a chair...and into a table...and into a wall...
Saw a guy in a trucker hat, with a handle bar moustache, wearing a bowtie, carrying a stack of records with an iguana on his shoulder walking down the street. Didn't think it was possible to OD on hipster
When people call me smart, I'm just thankful they're not around to see me turn the wrong burner on the stove every-single-time!!
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
I can't stand the fact that people are so obsessed with this movie Frozen! They need to "Let it go...let it gooooo.
If woman ruled the world there would be no wars.....just a bunch of countries not talking to each other.
I'm "it's 8:30 and you want to start a movie this late?" years old.
"Can I have more of these mouse spears?" "Sir those are toothpicks" "I need 1000 for my army. We march at dawn"
People in glass houses should probably buy their Windex at Costco.
According to my calculations,,,, The Rock should beat Edward Scissorhands in a fight
"Can't go wrong with oolong"... is my favorite tea shirt.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Yankees pitcher Michael Pineda was ejected last night for having pine tar on his neck, and rubbing it on his hand to get a better grip on the ball — because league rules clearly state that all illegal substances must be put INSIDE your body.
Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won't kill you but why take the chance?? 