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Most of my workday is me thinking what my couch is doing right now 
I knew a guy that was a dyslexic agnostic insomniac, He'd lay awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Smartphones are pacifiers for adults. Like give him a smartphone maybe he will shut the hell up.
Coffee so black it has it's own entertainment network.
If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn't for you.
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you can start a fishing school. Make lots of money. Then feed your family steak.
I'm starting to wish I were a werewolf so I'd have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane's dog & she was like, "I've never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"
Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you needed.
Well, it's 12:30pm and I have seven dollar bills to my name. I guess it's that age old question: Lunch? Or Lotto scratchers.
You may say I'm addicted to Facebook but I prefer to call it my second childhood...
I can't wait until all these 100 days of happiness people get to day 69. Maybe then my news feed will finally be interesting
My neighbor is crazy. After playing some Justin Bieber at high volume at 7 o'clock this morning, he commited suicide by shooting himself 8 times in the back with my gun.
"I don't care what X-MEN did at the box office." -Godzilla
I started a band called 999 Megabytes..... We haven’t gotten a gig yet.
Girls who are obsessed with celebrities need to get a life
Nice try "blocked" number, but I don't even answer the phone for people I know.
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. I'll be coloring your hair today. Prepare to dye.
America sacrificed its hero's to be free, so idiots like you can post stupid status
The only bad beer is an unopened one. 