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Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they're and there. 
FYI all you taking those stupid FB quiz's... EVERYONE is getting Rockstar status.... so is it really your calling? No. Your calling is wasting time taking Facebook quiz's.
Hey kids, see those cool Red Bull commercials? Yeah, that ain't gonna happen...
Ignorance begets overconfidence and it is harmful when these people are in positions of authority.
I hate it when women wear pink camouflage. I'm like, where you hiding? Candyland?
Sorry I photobombed your pic, but I needed an alibi.
I'm more P0rnhub than Pinterest.
I'm fine, she said, Don't worry about it she said, Go hang out with your friends she said I'm having a bonfire with all your stuff she said
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence at least we don't have to save for college
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
When someone calls you to tell you they’re coming over to your house and you lie you’re not home because you don’t want to wear pants.
I never hit on women with profile pics that are tilted. If she's too lazy to rotate her pics once what makes you think she'll ever want to be on top?
If I was religious I'd probably just argue with God a lot.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
When I'm a billionaire, I will use cats instead of toilet paper.
I don't care for how many years human beings have been following a certain routine, custom or culture, if it doesn't make sense to me imma still gonna question it.
So who was this Maya Angelou? Was she the one that wouldn't give up her seat on the bus?
I ordered a pizza for dinner. The pizza guy says "Do you want it cut into 6 slices or 8 slices?" I said "Better make it 6. I don't think I can eat 8."
The reason women always get cold is because they can't keep their mouths shut long enough to store up any heat.
How to avoid getting the short end of the stick? Just stop sharing sticks! There are enough sticks out there that you can have your own. 