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The amount of stuff coming out of this woman's handbag as she searched for her keys, I wouldn't be surprised if that missing Malaysian plane is in there too. 
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren't we helping to find them?
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever" !
Are you still a girl if you don't put a smile face at the end of a text?
Dear customer service: I’m typing this with my middle fingers, if that tells you anything about my satisfaction.
He's street smart. Sesame Street smart.
I learned all my dance moves from the paternity test episodes of Maury.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over? Me: You thought I was black? Cop: Haha. Yep. You're free to go sir
I'm just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I'm unlucky enough to be a part of
My love life is so boring that Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore are going to make a movie about it.
My wife caught me again on the couch with my iPad & a hand towel while I was putting lotion on my feet with my pants off.
I often wonder, people with full body art tattoos. Does their $hit come out rainbow colored. . .
One man's women crush Wednesday is another man's throw back Thursday.
Patrick on Facebook is complaining about how he hates the word "moist." He thinks it's "so gross." I'm willing to bet that Patrick also doesn't like pu$$y and is still a virgin.
Can you honor Maya Angelou by not pretending that you knew much about her?
I drank a weight loss shake, immediately weighed myself and I gained 12 ounces...this stuff is a bunch of malarkey!
I bet Rosa Parks kicked ass at Musical Chairs.
You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you tell her she is overreacting.
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.
Never tell your wife she is just like her mother, even if it's true. 