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Shout out to all the deadbeat dads and sperm donors this Father's Day. Unbeknownst to you, there are kids everywhere that are becoming AMAZING PEOPLE because they want to be nothing like you. 
Reach for the stars and let your feet leave the ground now. Thanks for 40 years of great memories.
I just need like 3 or 4 girls I can be faithful to.
You actually have friends? "Yeah, all 10 seasons on DVD!"
Id like to wish myself a happy Pulling Out Day !!!
"How much for the super-cool fanny pack?" "Ma'am, that's a colostomy bag."
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with 'give me the good stuff' written on it.
I asked her how her day went 4 days ago and she is still telling me about it.
No thanks responsibility, I have a Facebook account.
Pick your toughest sucker players out.And put them in a ring with our worst nfl team, we'll still beat the S**t out of them
On a scale of 1 to leave 100 missed calls on my phone if I fail to reply your text message within 2 minutes, how crazy are you?
Men that wear Crocs have seen every episode of 'Keeping up with the Kardashians'
Dear Dad, Thanks for not pulling out! Happy Father's Day!!!
There's no such thing as hot lesbians. They're just chicks who had too much to drink.
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She's quiet 2.She's yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
The rest of the world loves soccer. That's what Russia said about communism.
I've never watched the World Cup to actually watch soccer. I watch it for the fans that riots after their team loses.
Soccer is a microcosm of the inhabitants of the countries who participate in it. A bunch of crazy animals running around with no objective purpose.
we have a bunch of soccer players in the USA ... we call them field goal kickers & they suck too
from where I come from helmets are won by motorcyclists not football players 