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Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy” 
Only if these women were as thorough in choosing a man as they are in choosing which selfies to upload on facebook maybe they wouldn't get heartbroken so often.
Photo bombing is all fun and games until terrorists start doing it.
Went for a jog today and heard clapping from behind, then realized it was the cheeks of my ass cheering me on!!!
Finally, we can stop talking about soccer for another 4 years.
The World Cup is finally over. Now can we get back to watching fat men in ridiculous padding running around randomly?
Don't cry for me Argentina
One sneaky missle attack on copa cabana beach now and the Falklands is maintenance free forever
Don't forget to watch the NFL kicker/punter combine this afternoon!
How much for the phone charger? Sir, that's a nuclear power plant.
I'm fat, but not "hotel towels no longer fit around my waist" fat.
Some women try to live their lives through another woman. Point in case Rihanna and Kim Kardashian wannabes.
If we sacrifice Justine Beiber to Satan, it would bring world peace. . .
Dear cars that have an Automatic start engine button please don't do it around me sincerely someone who thought you where a Transformer
You never see a church with free WiFi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works..
When one door closes another one opens... if that were true, imagine trying to get in the car. It would be like an episode of Mr Bean.
"Cagefree" eggs means they've never been forced to watch every Nicolas cage movie he's made right?
Couples Advice: never go to bed angry. Stay awake for weeks, slowly going insane as your body and mind collapse in on themselves.
"I like soccer!" -- Someone who's either lying, trying to tick off their parents, or has given up on life.
Justin Bieber will be charged with one count of misdemeanor vandalism for throwing eggs at his neighbor's home in January. Or as he calls that, “street cred.” 