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My therapist told me...nothing you idiot vodka can't talk. 
You just don't know what awkward is until you call out your wife's name while having sex with her sister.
How much for the erotica kit? Sir, that's a package of bacon.
Duct tape. Turning "No" into "mmmmmmffff" since 1871.
Nice status. You're out of alcohol again aren't you?
How much for the survival kit? Sir, that's an iPhone charger.
Sucking on a woman's nipples helps prevent breast cancer. Make sure you know the woman, cops don't care if you were trying to save her life.
Ultimate act of defiance, finishing your FB status update while your Boss waits at your desk!
Where's the I want to punch you in the face button?
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
I'm gonna take a jog... down to that seat at the end of the bar!
Been watching Sharknado. When did Tara Reid turn 60??
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
How I feel when you complain about your boyfriend to me is how Yahoo feels when people use them to search for Google’s homepage.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit the propeller on the way down.
Suggestion for Mark Zuckerberg: When someone defriends me on Facebook, a picture of my bare butt pops up on their screen
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
"This chick on Instagram posts so many pictures of her boyfriend I feel like I’m dating him."
My call is important to them, my time isn't. 