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There is no reason to tail gate someone in the slow lane. Especially when I'm going 35MPH over the posted speed limit. Oh and those flashy little lights on top your car look ridiculous. SMH 
You can always count on the sperm bank to take the load off of your hands.
Whenever someone tries to do the state farm jingle and teleport, I always mess with them. They'll say "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there....." and I'll say something like "... in the ghetto" or "in a crack house" and watch the fun.
My therapist told me I need to live every day as if it were my last. So, here I sit, eating a pint of my favorite ice cream and weeping.
How on Earth did Gorillas become experts on glue, they live in the rain forest. What are they gluing?
“Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.
I hide from people too, so I get it bigfoot, I get it.
Showed up late for work and blamed it on rush hour. Showed up late again the next day and blamed it on rush hour 2.
The new iPhone's are out and some are complaining that their phones are bending. Here's an idea. If your phone bends too much, wrap it around your wrist and tell people it's the Apple Watch. You'll be the first one to have it.
I've always heard to "live everyday like it was your last" but noticed how much people will actually frown upon that kinda lifestyle.
that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? Neither, it's my new iPhone.
We have great news. We're pregnant!... Awesome! Do you know the sex yet?...Of course we know "the sex",, How do you think we got pregnant, silly
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?... *dad panics*... Uhh...you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much...
*John Madden circles my face on the telestrator..... "Now here's a guy who sits down when he pees."
In case you weren't paying attention, the REAL reason Eric Holder resigned is to prepare for the 2016 presidential campaign. He'll be running as Anthony Weiner's VP candidate on the Weiner-Holder ticket....
You had me at hello...oh you weren't talking to me.
"I'm an artist" is the best way to tell your family that you're unemployed.
Every time I see a beautiful woman with an idiot, I think to myself... this is a pretty good picture of my wife and me
Biologically Speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.
You know the world is coming to an end when George Clooney gets married 