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my motivation is running naked with a drink around the pool ... 
I'm going to sit quietly in my room today and think about what I did
This is no fairy tale, you lose a shoe at midnight, you're drunk.
Can some tell my wife......Crying is blackmailing Yes, of the simplest and most straightforward form.
I don't have a "9-5".. I have a "When I open my eyes to when I close my eyes..."
I miss the life I planned in my head.
My contribution to mother earth is not to waste water cleaning glasses when I can drink straight from the bottle
Like a good neighbor,I don't really care.
The last time I left my girlfriend it took her two weeks to notice I was gone. Next time I'm taking all her shoes with me.
well since the Texas breakout Maybe I should go home sick with Ebola
The dallas Ebola case turned out to be a false alarm. Apparently the person had just went to Taco Bell the night before.
Ladies, it's October, breast cancer awareness month, I'm giving free breast exams. . .
"Today Joseph cleaned the house, made dinner, and was really cool about some crazy news I had. Best. Husband. Ever." -If Mary had Facebook
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
judging by the adds google has picked out for me I live a pretty crazy *ucking life
If I were a QB in the NFL, I'd throw the ball as far as I can on every play... And do lots of hip thrusts... And wear my cup on the outside.
[walks up to a group of teens] hey guys when I was your age I was also dumb as hell
Some idiot just told me to "Take a hike" as if I don't love nature and finding inner strength through solitude
We can put a man on the moon but we can't put a cat in the dishwasher
Scientists admit they don't know what Jellyfish are made of - "They don't even taste like jelly" said one piss soaked science dude. 