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I really don't want to interact with other human beings today if I can help it... 
As soon as a girl starts to like you, she and her friends have got you on 24 hour surveillance.. They're doing shifts
And you say the CIA should treat the terrorists with kid's gloves.
The suicide vest bombing instructor at the Al Qaeda School of Martyrdom advised his students too "pay close attention because I'm only going to show you this once".
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he's attempting to get his hoodie back. He's in for one hell of a life lesson.
Not to brag, but my nickname at work is "do you think he's alive?"
"I'm sorry your pet died. Can I come over for breakfast tomorrow?" - The world if pigs replaced dogs.
I just spent 40 bucks on five organic pears at the farmer's market if anyone needs any investment advice or anything
If any of you ever hit rock bottom, please bring me down some vodka.
some people are like push-up bras....they make a mountain out of a mole hill
Pay it forward, but with booze.
I will put my phone down when you put yours down....Ready set.....Wait Someone is calling
My cat will only eat the most expensive cat food out there.....and also lick his own butt hole.
I'll put my phone down when I'm dead on the outside too
There'll be parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting, and Sally out in the snow. Come on, guys, let Sally back inside.
Science shows having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
The holidays are a good time to think about those less fortunate than you. Aaaaaaand done.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo if you’re brave enough.
whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I’m done paying for studio time
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else 