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I couldn't quite visualize what a nanosecond was until I dropped a piece of bacon and my dog had it gone before it could even leave a grease spot on the floor. 
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there's my drink.
Vegans will be the other white meat for zombies. Just saying.
Jeremy Clarkson should start a cooking show. Abusing staff seems to be OK in kitchens on TV.
My friend said that he and his wife wanted to swing by this weekend. I said we'd love that. I hope he didn't mean they wanted to swing bi.
Serta has an icomfort mattress trying to emulate ipad, ipod imac. What's with adding an I that makes a mattress better. It doesn't, icall that a bunch of bull$hit. . .
I had an epiphany, but I forgot it while I was trying to spell epiphany.
Fell down the stairs today. Counting it as a workout
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I'm surprised more killers haven't lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
"Is that your dog?" "No, actually she's adopted... we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"
Tried meditating once but ended up taking a really great nap
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn't socially acceptable for some reason.
Here's to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
I'm old enough to remember when Obama was committed to dismantling #Iran's nuclear program.
Keeping a roll of Oreos down the front of your pants assures your blind date will be pleasantly surprised when you open your zipper.
You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.
My foot went to sleep in my team meeting yesterday, which wasn't a big deal until it started snoring.
I slept like a log last night. Woke up this morning in the fireplace.
Keeping your job is the new raise 