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Son needed a topic for his science project and I suggested "A Science Project That Wasn't 100% Completed By Dad." 
I get along best with people who don't get along with people.
When a girl tells a guy he looks nice today, he thanks her. When a guy tells a girl she looks nice today, she goes home and throws away the outfit she wore yesterday.
Girls with tattoos on your boobs, Why? We’re already looking at them.
Guys, hear me out on this one.. A zombie outbreak could be prevented altogether if people were buried with their shoe laces tied together. Boom, you’re welcome.
"Crazy On You" by Heart sums up pretty much every relationship I've ever had.
If you kiss her just right, the panties fall off all by themselves.
Laughter is the best medicine........unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
I really admire people who exercise. This cake is dedicated to you.
Money can't buy love, but it can buy stuff. And I love stuff.
"Has Tim Tebow been signed yet?" - Robert Kraft
This is the worst carnival ever. I can't believe they blocked the street off for this. Sir, this is a crime scene.
He didn't notice it was flat cause they paid him off
Waiter: Here's your Coke Mr. Brady. Tom: This Coke is *turns to camera* flat.
My Roomba just beat me to a Cheeto I dropped on the flow & this is how the war against machines begins.
Tom Brady: So I said, "It isn't flat" and they were like, "yes it is" and I'm like, "no its not" Christopher Columbus: "I hear ya, man!"
My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.
Blockbuster Idea: "Dancing with the Stars", but with stars.
Makeup sex is awkward because my boyfriends puts on too much eye liner and his lipstick makes him look like a hooker. 