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Actually, Yes! I do want to see a picture of your Mother-In-Law Eli. Your wife is hot! 
Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!
Dam it I have to break up with her in person? Isn't there an easier way?" -Alexander Graham Bell, probably.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that's just me flirting
It usually goes like this. 1: wreck myself. 2: check myself
Its no coincidence that my internet addiction started on the same day I got married.
Whew, I was worried they hacked the Dolly Madison site and everyone would find out about my chocolate Zingers addiction.
[Enter Password] drapes [Re-enter Password] carpet [Error: Passwords must match]
[live debate] What's your stance on gun control?.......... *poses like a Charlie's Angel.......next question
Ever think about an old friend and wonder what they're doing right now? They're playing on their phone. Everyone is playing on their phone!
[high school reunion] Him: I'm a doctor Her: I'm a lawyer Him: What do you do? Me: PEOPLE VALIDATE ME ON THE INTERNET..
My Nephew asked me if I knew anything about Galileo .... "Do I" I said, "I know he was a Poor Boy that Nobody loved, from a Poor Family."
I like my women like I like my coffee.. in a burlap sack shipped over from a 3rd world country
I've never had sex with a ten but I'm wondering if two fives count.
I like my woman like I like my beer; brown, smooth, and goes down without any problems.
I like my women like I like my sentences, without periods!
I don't use alcohol as a crutch. It's more like a motorized wheelchair.
Sesame Street has moved to HBO and promise to contain some shocking spoilers, like how to get there.
Jared began and ended his career trying to get into smaller pants
I've been trying to leave Rome for weeks,,, but all their roads have this weird design flaw. 