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I've always wanted to walk up to a stranger and hand them a briefcase and say, "You know what to do" 
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can't see the mailbox when she's backing up?
Know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved when first dating? After 20 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
I don't go to the gym, I like for things to work themselves out.
Statistics Show That Criminals Commit Less Crime After They’ve Been Shot
Failed biology because apparently the answer to "what is commonly found in cells?" Isn't "Blacks and Mexicans"
Yes, I saved my old beeper. If that technology comes back around I don't want to be paying $20 for a new one.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job? ME: Because once they fire you they won't let you stay.
Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Me: Siri, why am I alone? Siri: *opens front facing camera*
My friend's become a dealer. Don't get the wrong idea, I mean at the casino. He says it's a good place to sell drugs.
Whenever life knocks me down, I just roll over and gaze at the stars!
What's it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it's only for booze?
My favorite part of sex is right at the beginning when you lift up the tail.
"Having too much sex can cause memory loss." I read it on page 37 in a medical journal on November, 2006 at 4:19 pm.
People think I'm uncoordinated until they see me get out of a hammock and then they know "uncoordinated" isn't a strong enough word.
Hit the hay. Kick the straw. Bodyslam the alfalfa.
Welcome to passive aggressive training. None of you appear to be very bright... but I'm sure you'll do great!
If I'm ever in a coma, promise me you'll slip pizza into my IV. 