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Today at crossfit, we had to spoon wild mountain lions. 
Where do people go when they unfriend you???... Is it a better place???
If you don’t use steroids in the state of Florida, how the hell are you supposed to fight off the escaped pythons?
Whenever I'm sad, I remember that my cats most likely think I’m out hunting for them all day, and then I feel like a badass again
With enough warning, I can be very spontaneous.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
Every musical should have a minor character that's aware of all the music and dancing and is visibly terrified.
FACT: being a constant delight just comes naturally to me.
I got caught in the rain once. Apparently you have to bring your own piña coladas.
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?
I hope I'm the last guy on earth -- I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
I thought about you this morning. I was cleaning my gun.
The best time to weigh yourself is after the exorcism.
Stop fcukin whining about being alone and lower your standards like the rest of us
You're in charge of your own happiness, I tell myself, refilling my drink.
911: "How can I help you?" Me: "This thong is wedged so far up my ass that I..." 911: click
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "an@l" in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Hey girls,the best time to give a blowjob is when there's a football game on TV. It sounds like 50,000 people are cheering for you.
I'd really love to see you tonight....no, really.....leave your blinds open! 