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Why doesn't money have braille on it? 
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she's gathering evidence.
Phones nowadays are so expensive, when you fall and hear a crack, you pray it’s your leg.
For you to insult me, I first have to acknowledge your existence.
If I had to do it all over again, I’d do it from a bar.
Happy anniversary to the love of my life, and her husband Steve.
You people who don't wear glasses don't realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone's being a moron.
So...how does this Bernie Sanders redistribution work? If I have $10 and my friend has $20, he has to give me $5, right??
My wife ended up with a broken nose and a black eye today because she wouldn't listen to me. I said, "Honey! Look out for that lamppost!"
If elected president, I will remove all things Kardashian and Jenner from the Internet and television.
Maybe the baby wasn't on board. Maybe the baby was against the whole thing.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy's hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
If everyday is a gift then today was socks...
If you're last name is Walker and you aren't a Texas ranger, I'll assume you have disgraced your family by choosing another profession.
How does Sean Connery shave? Ctrl + S
How can someone who makes less than 200,000 a year vote Republican I'll never understand.
My neighbours kids pretend restaurant sucks,, The service is horrible here and the prices are outrageous.
You havent truly hated me until you've heard me eat a bag of chips while you're trying to watch a movie.
*watching news report of zombie apocalypse* Me: This is great. No work today! 