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When someone thinks I'm paying attention to what they're saying, but really I'm just thinking about tacos. 
Superbowl: Rock Out With Your Guac Out!!!
If you are sick or in some kind of trouble and I send you prayers, please note that I don’t really care about you otherwise I would get off my ass and do something practical for you.
They say men think about sex every 7 seconds, so when I eat a hotdog I try to finish it in 6 seconds so it doesn’t get awkward.
Admit it, you don't call Gatorade by it's flavors, you call it by it's colors.
When you are dead you don't know that you're dead, but it's hard for the people around you. It's the same if you are stupid.
Bacon Fact #11: Bacon is healthier than crystal meth.
My life may be a mess but at least I know the difference between "your" and "you're".
When I die I want my last words to be "Andy's coming quick act like a toy."
Decided my 2016 starts on February 6th....up to now was the trial offer.
Shooting a bear doesn't make you a badass. Feeding a bear while her cub humps your leg makes you a f*cking badass!!!
I didn't see a friend's day video of Ross, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, & Chandler
When someone thanks I'm paying attention to what they're saying, but really I'm just thinking about tacos.
This Valentines Day I want a girl who cares about her health, but not her sobriety. Like, she does yoga, but her water bottle is usually full of vodka.
People should never judge Lance Armstrong for being on drugs in the Tour de France races, when other drug addicts have a harder time finding their own bike.
Employers at job interviews: We're looking for someone age 22-26 with 30 years of experience.
In a decade the economy will be like 23 trillionaires and everyone else will be taking turns giving Uber rides.
Did you know the bathroom is where 99% of Instagram lurking is done...
Sometimes I fantasize about being a Golden Retriever in an upper class family.
It takes me a while to warm up to new people but I will kiss a dog I just met on the mouth. 