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Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila. Perhaps it's time to try both.... 
Pringles should be the only chip company to sell air.
If Kanye West was alive in 1963, he'd most definitely interrupt Martin Luther King Jr.'s speech with "Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz had the best dream of all time!"
Doctors: "1 out of 3 smokers will eventually die from smoking," so apparently, the other two become immortal.
Father's Day must be the most confusing day in the ghetto.
Somewhere between Jesus dying on the cross and a giant bunny hiding eggs there seems to be a huge gap of information.
I'm kinda glad dinosaurs are extinct because I'm pretty sure I'd try to ride one after a few drinks on St. Patrick's Day.
Real Nerd Girl Problem: Has more books than shoes.
My friend just described her teenage daughter as "spunky", which I thought was hilarious.
I am an acquired taste. If you don't like me, acquire some taste.
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
But how are you supposed to do the sheep inventory, and NOT fall asleep on the job??!!..... *I said to HR during my exit interview
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
some girls beg, and some girls borrow. some bring joy some bring sorrow. but the best girls suck and swallow
I don't know about sexual healing, but trust me, sexual resurrection does NOT work....
We were so poor that we had to stand out side of KFC and lick other peoples fingers.
If the Apple/FBI conflict proves anything, it's that the NSA really doesn't have all of your personal information like people claim...
Plot twist: you can't play the guitar on the MTV, gotta work for money and chicks aren't free.
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
My 3 year old can speak 60 words a minute... With gusts up to 90 