Funny Status Messages

   Cool slogan for the new Facebook movie: "See it with someone you never talked to in high school."

   I remember the day like it was yesterday when I realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights

   Don't focus on the one guy who hates you. You don't go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog s##t

   Humans will die out. We're weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten flesh. You got diarrhea last week from a Wendy's

   Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you, don't kiss an a$$ if it's in the process of $hitting on you

   anyone want my old toaster oven? It's pretty snazzy…has the pattern of a loaf of Wonder Bread stained on the top of it….they're all the rage ya know…be the first of your friends to own one…at the low…low price of——-> FREE!”

   I know I'm wrong, but I always pull for the men on the Maury Show lol.

   I never realized how many people I hate until I got on facebook...

   , Did you hear about the optometrist who had an accident at work? He slipped and fell into his lens-grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

   Doesn't matter how you find the gold, as long as you beat the leprechaun to it

   You've been backstabbed, rejected, unwanted, abandoned, betrayed, tricked, lied to, ridiculed, cheated on, heartbroken, defeated, and said NO to all your life...Did it kill you? Of course not...just made you stronger. USE IT.

   At the end of the rainbow, there's no pot of gold. It's just cornflakes.

   I am perfectly blithe to chortle at you bourgeios addlepates who pontificate nascent verbiage to seem shrewd. Guess what, you fecal matter is odoriferous.

   Life has no damn remote....get up and change it yourself!

   never, ever, ever under any circumstances take a laxative and sleeping pill on the same night

   Golfer oosthuizen has won the British Open. In his honor, his name will be used in the last round of the next National Spelling Bee.

   Zaa Zaa Gabor is doing well after her hip replacement surgury. The hip was donated by the Museum of Natural History

   tHInks pEOPle WHo TyPE LikE thiS aRe retARDed.

   I propose that Jesus must have been a Zombie. Lets look at the facts: He came back from the dead, He wants you drink his blood and also eat his flesh so that you have ever lasting life. Or maybe... a vampire-zombie? Hmm... futher study is needed.

   I swear Idiots are like the Air ...they're everywhere..