MTQ Funny Status Messages

   Ever notice when someone posts a pic of several women, the h0ttest ones are never t@gged?

   The world's biggest lie...Person who f@rted: "I didn't f@rt! If I did, I'd claim it!"

   My mom says to me, "What makes you think you're so great?" I said, "What makes you think that I think that?" She goes, "Because you just dumped a bucket of Gatorade over your head."

   I just found out why Heidi Klum filed for divorce. Against her wishes....Seal would balance, spin, and bounce her up n' down on the tip of his nose whilst happily barking and clapping.

   A Chinese woman said me, "You have no crass". I didn't know whether she was complimenting or insulting me.

   I go to the all you can eat breakfast bar for $5.00. I go, "What'll 10.00 get me?" They asked me to leave. That's bull$hit right there.

   Pro Gun, Pro Gun Control, Pro Life, Pro Choice, Pro This, Pro That, ....How about Pro Common Sense?

   Day Off+ Get Nothing Done=Successful Day Off

   Mayans=Early Mexicans. A culture who couldn't come up with a cuisine that went beyond using the same 7 ingredients, yet alone calculate the end of time.

   Asking me if you can "jam on my guitar" is like asking me if you can sleep with my girl. If anything, your chances of me okaying you sleeping with my girl are exponentially greater.

   Lies, deception, self centeredness, greed, avarice....et al. Then there was the bad side.

   I saw one of those Hummercars with handicapped tags on it. I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an a**hole was technically a handicap.'

   I got batteries for Christmas. They weren't included.

   I like my girls like I like my cheese. F@t free American singles.

   I can't believe it's already January 2nd. I mean really, where has the year gone?

   I for one, do not long for the good old days. You know, back when you had to wait 30 minutes for a pic to download to the point where you just begin to see the top of her head.

   Okay class. Today is our field trip to the Planetarium. Did everyone remember to bring pot brownies?

   What's the difference between The New England Patriots and a p0rn star? The p0rn star doesn't ch0ke on the big ones.

   I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."

   If aliens were to intercept facebook signals, they'd conclude the only things we have to eat and drink here on Earth is bacon, cats, coffee and vodka.