Funny Status Messages

   North Korea got missile that can reach Chicago,,, be carefull North Korea chicago will shoot back

   "Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible" "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

   When Kim Fatass Un bombs us, are we gonna blame Obama?

   Today I ask God for patience to deal with stupid people and courage to tolerate their ignorance, because Lord only knows if I ask for strength I might beat them to death...

   My uncle is the town drunk. Unfortunately, the town is Chicago.

   yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.

   Those NK missles all have "Thanks Bill" stickers on the side.

   when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall

   cooking tip: if your tired of always having to boil water everytime you have to make pasta,boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.......your welcome!

   Do you listen to Rap music? If so, who’s your favorite Rapist?

   My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

   My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

   I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.

   If your Tupperware has "nutrition facts" on the side of the container, you might be a redneck

   My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.

   My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.

   I only wear glasses so I can take them off and rub my eyes when someone does something stupid.

   [inventor of dogs] Take this wolf and make it not eat us.

   I went to church and a very nice man walked up to me and offered me a whole plate of money. I didn't want to be rude, so I took some of it (like, twenty bucks), and I told him to donate the rest to a charity.

   If Mama Cass had shared her sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might be still alive today.