Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   People are like cutlery. Women want to spoon and men want to fork.

   Except for a lawful euthanization, the malicious killing of a dog or a horse should prosecuted as a homicide.

   Strangers have the best candy..

   If life had a reset button. Mine would probably be worn off due to over pressing it.

   Wen I say "ladies first" to a girl I just wanna look at her ass. The point is I never say "ladies first" to skinny assless girls.

   I didn't say I was good in bed; I said I'm good, in bed.

   I thought a skunk would be faster considering the racing stripes and all.... *continues to unload tomato soup cans at check out

   Watching Comey testify was like watching Geraldo Rivera busting into Capone's vault....lots of media hype for nothing!

   Blonde girl tells her Blonde friend. I just f cked a " Brazilian " guy. She said " You Slut! How many is a Brazilian!?"

   I'm pretty sure that if I shot the sheriff, I would also shoot the deputy because at that point why the heck not?

   What has red hair, big feet, and lives in a test tube? Bozo the Clone.

   If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, hunt it down and beat the snot out of it.

   If you looked up the word "modest" in the dictionary, you would see a picture of me.

   I heard that if you golf enough, the terrorists eventually surrender.

   Sometimes I STOP when it's not even Hammer time

   A home-made Father's Day gift from your kids seems nice until you remember kids in other countries make Air Jordans and iPhones.

   A certain duck who does not wear pants was questioned, but was seen signing autographs at the time.

   Nothing says IN GOD WE TRUST quite like having nuclear weapons.

   Not sure I'm going to heaven. At this point in my life, the best I can hope for is the low humidity section of hell.

   Why isn't cat food made from squirrels, mice and birds? I've yet to find half a tuna on my porch.