Funny Status Messages

   My dad's decided to NOT move to Canada,,, He says he's "Angry",,, but not, "Learn the Metric System" angry..

   I'm glad Alfac has a float in the #MacysThanksgivingDayParade... Little kids should always be reminded to buy supplemental health insurance.

   BREAKING NEWS: Tom Brady accused of deflating again in Macy's Day Parade

   LITTLE KNOWN FACT: After the umbilical cord has been cut,, a nurse spanks the baby for being uninsured.

   I like this mannequin challenge. It gets idiots to shut the hell up for a minute.

   Nothing says "HI I'M GUILTY BUT I HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY MY WAY OUT" like settling your rape case for $850,000

   don't have phone sex, you might get hearing aides..

   Can't wait to give my family a touch of salmonella next week

   So rude of the Hamilton folks to boo Mike Pence, they should've kept it classy and picked out a disabled person in the crowd to make fun of.

   Everyone done going turkey hunting in the frozen section ?

   My Gf .. It's all waxed, polished and ready for tonight....now for the car

   Mike Pence shouldn't get so upset that some Democr@ts booed him at the theater. After all don't forget that Democr@ts loudly booed G0D at the DNC convention on Sept 5th 2012.

   Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00... Me: Can you take off the avocado?... Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

   when hitler rose to power, there were no memes to stop him.

   I pity those who feel the need to brag about themselves to get people's attention. I hate them more than when my supermodel wife puts a scratch on one of my Lamborghinis.

   What the heck is Pizzagate? In any case it makes me hungry, I'll have mine with anchovies.

   Pence should consider himself lucky....worse has happened with presidents at theaters

   *God creating dogs,, GOD: These will be great companions for people... ANGEL: An excellent creation sir... GOD: But better than people.. Just, WAY better... esp. during election season

   I'd like your post or photo but you did and now I think you're an idiot...

   I think I have this figured out .... politicians are a bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for the rich people by telling the poor people that the "Other" rich people are the reason they are poor.