Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   ”I used to be the Internet!” – The Library

   She put her makeup on. I said : So this is how you become a ten. She said: So, this is why women leave you. Another one bites the dust.

   I was in the backyard with my wife.A bird dropped its poo on her shoulder. She yelled: Disgusting. .. get me paper towel or toilet paper. I looked up in the sky and said: it is probably a mile away. Plus, birds do not wipe their aasss.

   My daughter is having a modern day wedding, no church... it is 2015...Break tradition. So the wedding will at a museum...

   Just reported a car stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the window were white

   I think I might have an eating disorder. I got out of my car this morning at work, saw a pile of leaves and thought they were potato chips.

   Motivate people to talk about themselves, but not to the extent they punch you.

   If FanDuel would just run a few more commercials, I'd consider joining.

   I hate when people take my glasses and say "Wow! You really can't see!" I'm like no kidding. I don't take a person's wheelchair and say "Wow! You really can't walk!"

   Lorena Bobbitt moved to Russia. Her new name is Ivana Kutchacokov.

   lam - where sex with a goat makes sense but eating a pig doesn't.

   If you don't drink, smoke or do drugs you may live long enough to be a real burden to loved ones. Please pass the wine.

   If I was a secret Agent.. I'd probably tell everyone..

   Some of you ladies really need more practice hiding your crazy, at least until he marries you.

   Your password must contain 2 capital letters, the pilot script from Friends, Hulk Hogans home phone number and an enlightenment spell

   If you hold an empty Old Spice bottle to your ear, you can hear your grandpa complaining that someone touched the thermostat.

   Me: So, what do you do for a living? Her: I flip houses. Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

   You have 200 pics of only your face on Facebook? You must be so thin...

   This chicken is so uncooked that a skilled vet could still save him

   This fish is so raw it's starting to swim in my soup.