Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Top 3 Baby Names of 2020....1) "👌"... 2) "😜"... 3) "🚬"

   my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

   It's exactly like the elders described. "When the moon succumbs to the dragon..." something something what's on TV

   The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.

   *Caterpillar marriage therapy... Wife: he's not the man I married...Husband flying around room: I'm the same on the inside Susan !!!

   Sweet Caroline..bah..bah...bah Good times never seemed so good..so good , so good..

   I see the FB privacy hoax is back again. This should be a fun night

   Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.

   Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

   Any room is a panic room if you've had four cups of coffee and a breakfast burrito..

   This regular old moon is stupid...

   told my wife that the doctor put me on a new exercise program that requires me to walk 3 miles a day, she said good next week you'll be 21 miles away...

   Wife: He's not the same man I married. Husband: No, he had a much younger wife.

   People make counterfeit money, but money also makes counterfeit people.

   Negative people and stupid people should be tape recorded and forced to listen to their own bullsh*t.

   The milk in my fridge went bad. It beat up the orange juice and started selling meth to the condiments.

   Derrick Rose of the Chicago Bulls is out with yet another injury. If this had happened earlier in the week, the Pope could have healed him.

   Every time a tortilla chip breaks off or falls into the queso, I feel like I'm performing a rescue at sea on The Deadliest Catch.

   This Halloween I'm going as a Jehovah's Witness. I'm going to be handing out some good news.

   Water in Mars? Big deal... Call me when they find whiskey or beer.