Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Before I got in a relationship I never even knew it was possible to breathe wrong.

   Fall in love? Is that when you like the same pizza toppings as someone else?

   Sometimes only carbohydrates can help.

   My stripper name is: Hold On, My Thong Is On Backwards Again

   Warning labels on liquor bottles should also include: REGRET.

   All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

   Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Nickelback song in it.

   We built this city on rock n roll, and BTW,,,,,The streets have no names. The midnight train only goes to Georgia. Every stairway climb to heaven.. *this town is a wreck.

   The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of an iPhone is that I can afford the old one.

   I judge the quality of my Facebook posts by how often my name comes up in therapy with your shrink.

   Nothing describes my love life more than watching a declawed cat trying to scratch the sofa

   My girlfriend is so sweet, I decided to get another one.

   My thigh gap is reserved for holding french fries while I drive.

   My roommate is 3 days younger than me so ive gotten in the habit of saying “when I was your age..” and then describing what I did 3 days ago

   Our Smart phones are making us Dumb!!

   I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance....by leaving the scene of the accident.

   Fantasy Football starts now. I'm sorry honey. I will talk to you after football season. Love you Jamie wallis

   There are kinds of countries. Those that use the metric system, and those that have walked on the moon

   I want to become a Human smuggler and I want my code name to be Mister Smuggleuffigus .

   Nothing motivates me faster to clean my garage than the threat of a hail storm.