Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Sorry I'm late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

   I come from a long line of successful people. I decided to stop that tradition.

   My favorite part about being an adult is thinking about how stupid I was as a child for wishing I was an adult.

   99% of being an adult is basically just not being mean to people you don't like anymore

   You ever felt like a fool, by waving your hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic. Other folks in the rest room think you are a ninja of something....

   It's cool how our pinky finger evolved into a cell phone stand...

   "Sometimes I feel I don't belong here." Me, on planet earth

   identifies as a tranzmillionaire. A rich man trapped in a poor man's body. Can we rectify this situation?

   Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We'll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.

   "Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.

   It’s so nice outside, I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.

   Happy National Waffles day. Waffles are just pancakes with abs!

   More coffee, less people please.

   Go ahead, tell a woman she can do whatever she wants, like she wasn't already.

   If a man repeats everything a woman says, word for word,,,,,,,, is he still wrong?

   I wonder if anyone's kids had their first day of school today?

   You only live once is the most reassuring thing I've ever heard.

   actually "Deez Nutz" isn't that far away from holding up "the rear" of the pack

   I'm not saying you should hire me to be the president of your marketing team, I'm just saying there should be a bar at Toys R Us..

   You don't come for me. I send for you.