Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   In hindsight, naming my animal control business "I'll Pound That P ussy" wasn't a very good idea.

   I don't need religion to raise my offspring, I have common sense.

   I enjoy having a full length mirror facing my bed so I can see all the sex I'm not having.

   I sprayed a spider with axe body spray to kill it but now its name is chad and he is f$cking all the girl spiders in my house.

   i think my inner child really kinda runs the place!

   my life coach told me to just let the clock run out!

   Oh, come on.. Who among us hasn't checked African American on an application?

   The statue of liberty turned 140 today. When asked how she feels, miss liberty replied "I'm fine!"

   This lady behind me at the store just "beep-beep'd" for me to move out of her way, and this is how murderers are born.

   If I ever get a hamster I'm naming it MC Hamster. I might buy one for that reason alone....

   Love comes in all shapes and sizes. A-cup B-cup C-cup D-cup..Coffee cup.

   Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it

   No thanks body wraps. If I thought magic would help me lose weight, I'd eat a wizard.

   My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml

   Star Wars (1977) An epic tale of a pair of gay robots teamed up with incestous siblings to help them destry their father's midlife crisis toy.

   "I've lost my marbles" ~ Bulimic Bulimic Hippos.

   When I was your age, I had to walk 5 feet from the coutch to the TV, on fluffy orange carpet, without texting, both ways.

   Some women wear so much makeup that it takes everything I have not to honk their nose.

   If you are having a bad day, just remember that someone from your home town is still trying to become a rapper.

   My U.S. citizneship was questioned because I wasn't out of breath after walking up a flight of staris.