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Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump
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In hindsight, naming my animal control business "I'll Pound That P ussy" wasn't a very good idea.
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06-16-2015 14:27 by
Czovczov
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I don't need religion to raise my offspring, I have common sense.
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06-16-2015 15:03
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I enjoy having a full length mirror facing my bed so I can see all the sex I'm not having.
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06-16-2015 16:17
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I sprayed a spider with axe body spray to kill it but now its name is chad and he is f$cking all the girl spiders in my house.
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06-16-2015 19:38 by
BEGO
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i think my inner child really kinda runs the place!
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06-16-2015 21:14 by
flipphonescoot
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my life coach told me to just let the clock run out!
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06-16-2015 21:16 by
flipphonescott
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Oh, come on.. Who among us hasn't checked African American on an application?
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06-16-2015 21:33 by
jrbirk
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The statue of liberty turned 140 today. When asked how she feels, miss liberty replied "I'm fine!"
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06-17-2015 10:16
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This lady behind me at the store just "beep-beep'd" for me to move out of her way, and this is how murderers are born.
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06-17-2015 11:46
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If I ever get a hamster I'm naming it MC Hamster. I might buy one for that reason alone....
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06-17-2015 11:53
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Love comes in all shapes and sizes. A-cup B-cup C-cup D-cup..Coffee cup.
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06-17-2015 12:21
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Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it
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06-17-2015 15:17 by
jitney
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No thanks body wraps. If I thought magic would help me lose weight, I'd eat a wizard.
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06-17-2015 15:20
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My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml
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06-17-2015 15:22
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Star Wars (1977) An epic tale of a pair of gay robots teamed up with incestous siblings to help them destry their father's midlife crisis toy.
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06-17-2015 15:24
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"I've lost my marbles" ~ Bulimic Bulimic Hippos.
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06-17-2015 15:25
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When I was your age, I had to walk 5 feet from the coutch to the TV, on fluffy orange carpet, without texting, both ways.
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06-17-2015 15:27
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Some women wear so much makeup that it takes everything I have not to honk their nose.
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06-17-2015 15:28
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If you are having a bad day, just remember that someone from your home town is still trying to become a rapper.
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06-17-2015 15:28
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My U.S. citizneship was questioned because I wasn't out of breath after walking up a flight of staris.
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06-17-2015 15:29
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