Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Politicians should be limited to two terms. One in office and one in prison.

   Here's an idea: When in doubt, shut your mouth.

   1985: call me on the new line in my roo.m 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me

   How much for the girlfriend? Sir that's a bottle of Vodka.

   When I asked if you would have my kids I didn't mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

   come from a long line of people who ruin things.

   "FRIGGIN!!!,,,, FRIG!!"... - *Godzilla, after stomping on a Lego store.

   Ugh,,, You'd think this restless leg syndrome would be exercise enough.

   On "Family Feud".... Host: Name something that you can never seem to find the right time to say.... Dad: "You're adopted, Chet!".... *The WHOLE Family claps,, except Chet*

   [Every restaurant ever].... Manager: "Has he got a mouthful of food?".. Waiter: "Ummm,, Yeah."....Manager: "Good,, Go ask him how his meal is."

   Relationship status: ▫️Single ▫️In a relationship ▫️Married ▫️Engaged ▫️Divorced ▪️Waiting for a miracle ✔️

   Note to men, if you really want to understand how a woman's mind works - imagine a browser with 2687 tabs open.

   I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster. Now it doesn't work.

   This Wednesday has been humping my leg with it's eyes closed.

   "Looks don't matter, just be yourself". - attractive people

   Aurora Shooting Trial: James Holmes' ex girlfriend testified at his death sentance hearing? Yep; looks like I will never comit a crime after all.

   My trust issues are so bad that I don't even believe people when they use their turn signals.

   I have 1,635 pictures on my phone of me and all my friends. Just kidding they're memes I stole from the coments

   Anyone going somewhere exciting this weekend to stare at your phone?

   Single guy "I can't do anything right." Married guy "I can't do anything, right?"