Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Man: You look pretty today. Woman: Did I look bad yesterday? It was my hair wasn't it? You think I'm fat.

   You'd think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.

   I'd like to have another child one day. Two days, maximum.

   pro tip: go to men's warehouse. try on a suit. take a selfie. say the suit isnt what you want & give it back. you just got a free picture of you looking good in a nice suit.

   "Thanks FIFA for making me look like a boy scout!" - Tom Brady

   I'm so bad at Candy Crush that I just gave up and ate a bag of M&Ms.

   Sequel Idea: Fresh Prince of Bel Aire 2 - A privledged kid from Bel-Aire is sent to live in West Philly to be given a hard dose of reality. Starring Jaden Smith.

   Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".

   If by "social drinker" you mean I like to drink instead of being social, then yes, I'm a social drinker.

   Sorry boss, can't come in today. National Donut Day is sacred to my people.

   started calling my truck Caitlin since it started having tranny problems

   Blowing a tranny means something completely different to an auto mechanic.

   National Doughnut Day - My Holey Day

   So, I wonder if Jerry Sandusky has room in his cell for Dennis Hastert?

   First date. Her. "Shall we carve our names onto this tree" Me. "You brought a knife?"

   Faffing: The excessive use of time for nonsense activities....Faffometer: A device or means for measuring the amount of time spent faffing around (as I am doing when writing this entry)

   wonders which black athlete or rapper Caitlyn will end up dating? ♠️

   Your selfie needs more paper bag.

   Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner said that the wierdest thing about transforming into a woman is that he still likes watching football but he no longer really understands it.

   "WTH, I can't seem to parallel park anymore" - Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner