Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN! - A liver's battle cry

   "Sorry, her mother is a pterodactyl" ..... *Me with the screeching toddler in the grocery store.

   So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?

   We don't have to have sex, let's just see if it fits.

   Do race horses really pee more than the regular kind?

   My cat is always licking the carpet in my house. I think she's a lesbian.

   Lately, to be a true rebel,,,, you have to have zero tattoos.

   The best part about being Canadian is that if we can get close enough to a beaver we are allowed to pet it. It's the law. It's in the constitution.

   Have sex with someone who loves your soul more than your body and you'll climax every time.

   I have come to the conclusion that I need more whipped cream in my life.

   We're told constantly to follow our dreams. Well, my dream is to thwart every single other human's dream.

   Do what's right to do, not what you're told to do.

   My Laundry's piled so high,,, it's eating Doritos & watching Chappelle's Show.

   Afternoon drinking game: Watch Maury & take a shot anytime you hear "axed" instead of "asked".

   [Me to the 2nd baseman after I slide into base]... Make sure you separate plastics & food waste... [Coach from dugout] NO YOU IDIOT,,, NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

   Childhood I'd idolizing Batman. Adulthood is realizing The Joker made more sense.

   It's rumored that the Catholic Church is interested in buying Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. Does anyone not see the irony in this?

   You know what’s easy..? Opening another beer…

   Scientists have discovered that thinking about revenge lights up the same areas of the brain as chocolate. So it's true… revenge is sweet

   BREAKING: Long suspected love affair between Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble confirmed today, admit to having "gay old time"