Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Maybe if Brady's wife gave him half heared BJ's, he would understand the depth of his cheating.

   How come the official that handles the ball on every single play didn't notice they were under inflated??

   People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"

   This is the last time I lie down naked on the subway tracks during rush hour. I hate when people are complaining for nothing

   if anyone needs a hand with their kegel exercises, let me know.

   I'd better go, this work isn't going to pretend to do itself.

   I hope you enjoyed our orgy; please come again.

   if you don't want me to stare at your breasts, you shouldn't have such nice ones.

   Tom Brady should be forced to spend those 4 games at a Children's Hospital blowing up balloon animals.

   They don't make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.

   Makeup sex is awkward because my boyfriends puts on too much eye liner and his lipstick makes him look like a hooker.

   Blockbuster Idea: "Dancing with the Stars", but with stars.

   My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.

   Tom Brady: So I said, "It isn't flat" and they were like, "yes it is" and I'm like, "no its not" Christopher Columbus: "I hear ya, man!"

   My Roomba just beat me to a Cheeto I dropped on the flow & this is how the war against machines begins.

   Waiter: Here's your Coke Mr. Brady. Tom: This Coke is *turns to camera* flat.

   He didn't notice it was flat cause they paid him off

   This is the worst carnival ever. I can't believe they blocked the street off for this. Sir, this is a crime scene.

   "Has Tim Tebow been signed yet?" - Robert Kraft

   Money can't buy love, but it can buy stuff. And I love stuff.