Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Don't be ashamed of who you are, that's your parents job.

   I'm lucky if I can get into my own pants.

   How do pizza delivery folks not eat the pizza on the way?

   Do people with cats not know about dogs?

   I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

   OK Cupid reviewed my profile. They suggest I get a puppy.

   Fun prank for Californians: Adjust your wiper wash to spray the car behind you, making them believe it's raining.

   Relationship status: I've developed a high tolerance for pepper spray.

   Some people call me the Space Cowboy., some call me the Gangster of Love. Some people call me Maurice.... those people suck at nicknames.

   shhhhhh..it's really hard to imagine you're someone else when you talk

   I just bought my sanity back for $19.99 and it came with a side of hot wings..

   f a midget smokes weed does he get high or medium??

   Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.

   A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell.

   i went and refilled my prescription for my antidepressants... Because Happy Meals just don't seem to work for me!

   all of mankind can be divided in two groups: morning people and those who want to kill morning people...guess for which one I'm cleaning and loading my gun!

   The older I get the more I realise there are no grown ups and nobody knows what the f*ck they're doing.

   At what age do you stop shopping at Costco because you won't use the entire pack before you die?

   Wait, don't go. I can ruin it some more.

   The difference between "fetish" and "felony" is checking beforehand